Moments

There are moments that I don't think about sex - don't even want it - just want touch - I feel like I'm waiting when in fact I realize he shares quite a lot with me. He gives me a great deal of himself. But I wonder if I am programmed to always be dis-satisfied - always wanting more - some Hollywood-style intensity - some proclamation of love that I will never experience overtly - that blinded me once - but that I will get over and over again in subtle ways if only I remember to see them.

Words - but only as pertaining to reality - too personal - too selfish is just that - get over it. Crawl out of my skin, leave my own head - crawl out of your skin - leave your head - let the world in.

Time Suck

I realized yesterday that I was getting burnt out and tired and I needed a day away from the bookstore. So I switched my days off and stayed home today. I made a list last night - things I wanted to do around the house, general get-it-done kind of day. Instead, I have barely left the bed. I did some mild rearranging of piles of things and have watched many hours of television and have fallen asleep twice since waking up this morning. But I have not actually gotten anything done. And I feel like I have fallen into some sort of time suck warp. I keep thinking about what I wanted to accomplish today, how good it will feel when I do finish it and how hard it is for me to actually move - get up, go do it.

I recognize that probably I am tired and need to rest. That my body is telling me something. But what I feel like it is saying is that I'm lazy and unmotivated. Of course I am totally not - but I hate that the day is half over before I am waking up to utilize it. And I hate that I have so little time left to tackle my list and I hate that I don't get another day off until next Monday or Wednesday. So today needs to be the day. Maybe this little online self-scolding will motivate me.

But what I really wonder is how that time-suck warp starts. You know, so I can see it coming and thwart it next time...

Family, Friends, Football and Fowl

I'll admit it, I love Thanksgiving. I think it's fond memories of my mother's house, cooking and seeing my family whom I actually like. Also, Thanksgiving was when my tight circle of friends came home from school and we all hung out for the first time in 3 months. We laughed and drank and generally, unlike commercialized Christmas or the overly built up expectations of New Year's, Thanksgiving always delivered. The food was always good, I always laughed with my friends, football was festive and it was always worth the trip home.

Now, my sister lives too far away to come home for Thanksgiving. I work retail and can't go home either. My gram is too old to travel to me, so my parents don't come up either. I cook every year, always battling my in-laws who thnk we shouldn't work so hard and want to take us out to a crowded impersonal restaurant. And literally all my friends are married and moved to other states. Sure, we all grow up, move on, build our own families, blah, blah, blah...but well, I guess I'm just a little nostalgic for the good old days lately.

And truthfully, CJ's parents are petty cool people. I certainly could have done a lot worse in that department. But this year, this holiday, I really could have cared less if I saw them or not. And it was fine when they left. I was relieved to not have to entertain, steer the conversation to neutral ground, or simply bite my tongue. And I'm just too tired to confront them or to pretend like there is nothing wrong. It's draining enough to second guess playing nice with CJ all the time.

But beyond all that, I am thankful. I have lots of people who love me, even if I can't see them regularly anymore and I think finally, I am taking charge of myself again. Perhaps, finally, I can be thankful for not feeling completely lost and for just maybe finding my focus. But still, that nostalgia lingers....

And the hits just keep on coming

Um, yeah, so, my basement is emitting the nasty sewer stank again. Called the city - they got nothin. Bite the bullet and call the plumber and surprise, surprise, surprise...there is ANOTHER blockage - about a foot and a half further down the pipe from where they replaced it in June. Fuckity fuck fuck - this one is under the sidewalk - so they can't just fill it with gravel and leave it like my driveway...no, they have to replace the sidewalk to "code." "Code" costs extra. Lucky me. AND, they can't fit me in until Monday - so I get to spend Thanksgiving with my in-laws in the stink-house. Mmmm, mmmm, mmmm, mmmm ...

FOR SALE: ONE FALLING DOWN, NOT TO CODE, STINKY, PIPES KEEP BREAKING, DOG AND CAT INFESTED CUTE LITTLE HOUSE. IT'S GOT GREAT PERSONALITY, IT'S QUIRKY, IT'S A MONEY PIT. Any takers?

On the flip side, my fabulous new husband fixed the lazy susan in our cupboard. Now it spins freely and the shelf don't sag no more. Sweet - I'm likin' this new husband fella. He's kinda useful and even thoughtful. I just might keep him.

Reliving warmer times

Okay - everybody's got the right to believe/pray/worship however they choose, but this kind-o-stuff wigs me out. Seriously, two questions will reveal whether I am going to heaven? Who believes this crap? In the middle of the State Fair? Next to the cotton candy booth and across from the wine-tasting tent? What drives a group to put this stuff out there - imposing their beliefs, inflicting doubt, or neediness on an unsuspecting public - it's outrageous I tell you. (Definitely odd...)

But not nearly as bad as the squinty-smellin'-cauliflower-wrinkled nose look on my face....what up with that?

Don't waste the toilet paper!

Okay - the other day I found myself in the awkward position of sitting in the stall and discovering that there was no toilet paper left. So, I asked the girl in the stall next to me if she could hand me some. Now I don't know about the rest of the world, but I prefer/require a significant amount of toilet paper to get the job done. I like to be thorough. However, this chic next door hands me some measly amount...like 4 squares. 4 squares!!! Who could possibly be thorough with only 4 squares? So now I am in an uncomfortable and awkward decision making moment. Do I ask for more toilet paper? Do I make do with the paltry amount allotted me by the TP scrooge? And what was she thinking when I asked through the wall for help? Was it too inconvenient to take the extra 2 and a half seconds to pull a significant amount to hand to me? It was like the grudging courtesy. You do it, cuz you are generally nice, but you are put out by it...the moral of this story is that I will check for toilet paper before I sit down from now on.

To Bikini or Not To Bikini...

So I am at the gym Monday night - late, after 9pm - as I prefer it when there are less than 8 billion people there...anyway, I'm still getting into the groove of having a gym membership and have not used all the stuff yet. But I have wanted to get into the lap pool and swim instead of riding the cycles all the time. Unfortunately, my swim attire was built for baking in the sun, not swimming in the pool and, truthfully, I'm about 20 lbs heavier than I've ever been, so my teeny bikinis aren't really all that flattering anymore. (Of course, one could argue that the gym is a safe haven where we can free ourselves of the fear of what others might think of us, but unfortunately, no matter where we go, we always have our own opinions of ourselves to deal with...shiny p was talking about body image over on her blog recently - ) Anyway, my own opinion, kept me from diving into the lap pool in one of my teeny bikinis, so I went to DICK's sporting goods and got a couple-o-suits that would make the dive far more practical and far less accidentally revealing.

So back to Monday night - I hit the bike first and then the weights, and was debating whether I had the energy for some laps - decided I did not and went into the lockers to change. A couple of ladies came in from the pool area in bikinis. I have no idea how to word this next...so I'll just say it. These ladies were heavy and they overflowed their bikinis in a very unflattering way. My first thought was that (like spandex) there are some people that should just not wear bikinis. It was a knee-jerk reaction. And then I remembered shiny p's blog about body image and about how society/magazines feed us what is perfect and what isn't and that my comments were that we should not buy into it by judging each other - something I had just done. In my comments I think I was trying to speak up for naturally thin people who get the "waif" or "eating disorder" rap, but at the gym fell into the disdain-for-fat hole. So all the way home, I crawled around in my head psycho-analyzing myself.

I came to this conclusion: I think it is fear that I am letting myself go so to speak. That I am not taking care of myself, not exercising enough, eating wrong, gaining weight....and that despite my arguments about confidence and body image, I am really uncomfortable gaining weight and being out of shape. Part of this is psychological - I have never been out of shape. I was always naturally thin, even scrawny, and active. Now I'm much less active and it's just not natural for me. And I wonder if the relatively bland, but judgemental thoughts I had about the women at the gym are a reflection of my fears. But I also wonder, where is the line between judgement and good taste? Is good taste just a matter of opinion? Because I recognize that truthfully, I thought the way the women were dressed was in poor taste for the gym even as I focused on their weight. I mean I wasn't comfortable in my bikini at the gym...but I suppose in an effort to curb my judgement of them and by extension me, I should focus on my exercising and staying in shape rather than what others are wearing at the gym.

This is me and my bud Jason this summer at the State Fair - no I am not kidding. The important thing to notice here is that it is a lovely warm day, sunny-I-look-fine-in-my-show-off-my-tan little tank. Why relive this moment? Because the freakin HIGH today was 23 degrees. The HIGH! It's November, not January, not February, NOVEMBER! Three days ago it was 65 degrees. I think the end of the world is coming - call it global warming or nuclear winter or whatever, it's freakin cold WAY too early. And it's makin me grumpy - cuz now I gotta go sit in my cold ass car and let it warm up before it will even move - sooo not ready for this....can't the whole world be like 60-80 degrees all the time? Would that be so terrible?

Butt Sniffers

Little beggers - aren't they cute? Wish I could get them to stop sniffing my butt every time they see me.

Fuzzy and slipping away

So lately I am all distracted and overwhelmed. Can't find things, can't remember things, feel tired a lot. And intellectually I know how to combat this...get better sleep, eat better food, exercise....but really what I want is for time to stop and all my committments like work at three different jobs to just freeze for a few days. I want time to myself without coming back to work to find a backlog-o-shit that I have to catch up on. I need to feel motivated when I am rested and rested when I am motivated. Lately these things have not been happening at the same time. And I feel like I am slipping away - like things are getting away from me - or like I am on a train about to cross a big bridge and I can see the huge hole in the bridge, but I can't stop the train and I just know I am going to dive head first into this big abyss on this speeding train....which is terribly morbid, but something is just way off - my focus is fuzzy...I can't keep track and I'm really tired of trying to catch up.

So I make lists - things to do, things I need, things to remember...and then I forget to look at the lists. Or I look at the lists days or weeks later when they are old and outdated and half accomplished or just not relevent anymore. And I wonder why I wasted time on the lists...except that it calmed me, put my jumble of thoughts in order, reminded me what to do, sort of....

I'm missing a rhythm to my days...nothing flows smoothly anymore. Perhaps it's my own attitude, perhaps my karma is whack, maybe my chakras can't breathe or something else like that. Rhythm...that's what's missing, my daily, intuitive rhythm....when and where did I lose that?

Nostalgia on a Rainy Day

One of the things I love about this time of year - they replay all the holiday favorites like the Wizard of Oz and It's A Wonderful Life and How the Grinch Stole Christmas. I know it's silly, but I love watching these every year. Some years I am home and catch them, other years I miss them. Today though I get to see The Wizard of Oz at home in bed with my big black labrador as a blanket.

Today is my first day off in almost 2 weeks. I have to bartend tonight, but have had the whole day to do as I please. Usually I am driven to vacuum or do laundry or some other household work. Today, I slept in until almost 11am...haven't done that in ages. And although the day has been balmy, almost warm for November, as the day progressed, it's gotten rainy and very windy. I can hear it whipping around outside. I love days like this when it's blustery outside, but I am warm and cozy inside. I've had several cups of tea and watched tv/movies all day. And now The Wizard of Oz is on tv. Of course, I've seen it dozens of times, but I love it anyway. It's just about to the part where Dorothy opens the door after the tornado and everything is in technicolor - gotta go!

Sixteen Candles

I admit it, I am a movie junkie. And of course I have favorites - ones that no matter how many times I've watched them, I will always watch again. My list of favorites dates to the mid-80s beginning with a series of John Huges films, ( I was in junior high, give me a break!) So I was talking with a co-worker the other day about movies and the ones you have memorized, for me, Sixteen Candles and the Breakfast Club, and Ghostbusters - (his was The Blues Brothers - which I am sorry to say I have never seen all of...) We were laughing because I remember that I watched these two movies soooooo many times that simply by being in the house with me, my father had them memorized too. Mind you, he never actually sat and watched either from beginnning to end-just tolerated my seemingly neverending need to watch each every day for the better part of my junior high existence. Anyway, I'm flippin' channels today and guess what is on - Sixteen Candles!!! And I still have it memorized!