To Bikini or Not To Bikini...

So I am at the gym Monday night - late, after 9pm - as I prefer it when there are less than 8 billion people there...anyway, I'm still getting into the groove of having a gym membership and have not used all the stuff yet. But I have wanted to get into the lap pool and swim instead of riding the cycles all the time. Unfortunately, my swim attire was built for baking in the sun, not swimming in the pool and, truthfully, I'm about 20 lbs heavier than I've ever been, so my teeny bikinis aren't really all that flattering anymore. (Of course, one could argue that the gym is a safe haven where we can free ourselves of the fear of what others might think of us, but unfortunately, no matter where we go, we always have our own opinions of ourselves to deal with...shiny p was talking about body image over on her blog recently - ) Anyway, my own opinion, kept me from diving into the lap pool in one of my teeny bikinis, so I went to DICK's sporting goods and got a couple-o-suits that would make the dive far more practical and far less accidentally revealing.

So back to Monday night - I hit the bike first and then the weights, and was debating whether I had the energy for some laps - decided I did not and went into the lockers to change. A couple of ladies came in from the pool area in bikinis. I have no idea how to word this next...so I'll just say it. These ladies were heavy and they overflowed their bikinis in a very unflattering way. My first thought was that (like spandex) there are some people that should just not wear bikinis. It was a knee-jerk reaction. And then I remembered shiny p's blog about body image and about how society/magazines feed us what is perfect and what isn't and that my comments were that we should not buy into it by judging each other - something I had just done. In my comments I think I was trying to speak up for naturally thin people who get the "waif" or "eating disorder" rap, but at the gym fell into the disdain-for-fat hole. So all the way home, I crawled around in my head psycho-analyzing myself.

I came to this conclusion: I think it is fear that I am letting myself go so to speak. That I am not taking care of myself, not exercising enough, eating wrong, gaining weight....and that despite my arguments about confidence and body image, I am really uncomfortable gaining weight and being out of shape. Part of this is psychological - I have never been out of shape. I was always naturally thin, even scrawny, and active. Now I'm much less active and it's just not natural for me. And I wonder if the relatively bland, but judgemental thoughts I had about the women at the gym are a reflection of my fears. But I also wonder, where is the line between judgement and good taste? Is good taste just a matter of opinion? Because I recognize that truthfully, I thought the way the women were dressed was in poor taste for the gym even as I focused on their weight. I mean I wasn't comfortable in my bikini at the gym...but I suppose in an effort to curb my judgement of them and by extension me, I should focus on my exercising and staying in shape rather than what others are wearing at the gym.