Contradictory Thought

I find myself in a sort of constant state of contradictory thought. As confessed in previous posts, I want very much to be supportive of my husband's new found sobriety, but find I resent his healthy appearance instead. I wonder if it wouldn't be easier to give in, and just live happily with him and then I realize that I am not willing to give up the very real freedom I have come to enjoy - freedom that is contradictory to being married.

Outside of this situation, but connected to it, I have a very close friend who was invaluable to me when my head was not yet able to handle what was going on. Over several months our friendship deepened and I entertained thoughts of something more. Instead, we remain friends and he has recently found a lovely girl who makes him quite happy. Being a true friend, I am very pleased for him, but to the contrary, miss him terribly, and selfishly want him all to myself again as we are not nearly as close these past few months as we once were.

There are days when I think I will be lonely forever and that I will never feel true intimacy again. And on others I realize how against my nature it is to be bitter, angry and depressed - that generally, I am a happy person and dragging out the grudge is not me. Then I am wary, afraid that the natural happiness that sustains me, also makes me naive and trusting - something I no longer believe to be beneficial, and I am afraid because the two men I have loved most, who at different times and for different reasons have made me the happiest, are lost to me and I can't even imagine where to begin to start over...

If, that is, I do not in fact just give in and take the easy way out, live in a blissful state of convenient forgetting - let my husband convince me that the new and improved him is here to stay and will make up for the last almost 3 years. I feel like I should give him the chance, but sometimes I can't help thinking how full of amazing people the world really is and that I too am amazing and deserve better than broken promises and unreturned love.