Rummaging Through Old Emails

As I exited my ramshackle apartment this morning I was greeted by a breeze. There is a specific kind of breeze which is filled with all things that are wholesome. A kind of breeze which is a tribute of all of nature's vitality. The kind of breeze which makes fabric softener commercials possible. This was not that kind of breeze.
Oh it was balmy enough to be sure. It certainly was gentle enough to pleasantly ripple the grass and budding branches of the trees and coax a sound which could be perceived as a sigh of contentment from them. What separated this almost thoroughly pleasant breeze from the aforementioned ad campaign variety of wind was the unsubtle effluvium of it as it wafted over my olfactory nerves. Oh yes this poor breeze had been imbued with the powerful aroma of fecal matter. And so springtime has come to DeKalb.
Yes that gracious time of year so lauded in prose, poetry, and song. The time of year that we have led to believe was designated exclusively towards the gentle pursuits of appreciating flowers, flying kites, and capturing animals having sex (all animals) on videotape for later dissemination on public television. Hats off everyone to Marty Sauffer our nation's premiere wildlife pornographer.
They say "Spring has sprung." They generally say it in the kind of cheerful manner that makes you think they have been spray painting inside with all the windows and doors shut. I put this question to you. Where did spring come by this incredible ambulatory gift. Who gave this insolent season the right to spring around like a rave kid with a double dose of ecstasy? Where the hell in short does spring come from?
I know this answer, in fact I divined it this very morning as I stepped out of my abode, but in the way of so many things you are going to have to listen to a bunch of inane drivel before I give you the revelation you have been searching for.
I was very close when I said "Where the hell does spring come from?"
You see the Greeks believed that spring was a result of Persephone's return from the realm of hades. Persephone's mother was the goddess of plants and agriculture. Becoming clinically depressed at Persephone's marriage to the lord of the underworld she drinks, smokes, and watches "her shows" to the exclusion of all else. This vicious depraved cycle has only one bright spot. Every year Persephone comes to visit and her mother makes a desperate attempt to look like she can hold it together. Metaphorically speaking she dusts the curio cabinet, empties the ashtrays under the couch, and turns over the cushion on her recliner so you can't see the pronounced ass groove in it.... in short .....spring. All in all this, though not an accurate portrayal of how we get spring, is a very good effort. Could we really expect any less from the culture which brought us both geometry and sodomy?
We now come to the pagan conception of spring. They believe the earth is our mother. Without getting too anatomical they believe that spring is just another of the mother's "cycles". They of course would celebrate this momentous occasion with rituals designed to placate the goddess, and insure that everything would be cool next year. These rituals of course required people to loose any number of things. Their blood, virginity, dignity etc....This is of course a neato way to explain things, except for the fact that these religions died out hundreds of years ago. We technically shouldn't have had spring for all that time. There are those who say they carry on these ancient traditions, but it's well accepted that these people are posers and the mystical equivalent of Japanese tourists.
Today we have people who espouse the belief that seasons change in correlation to the attitude and revolution of the earth as we orbit the sun. I'm not even going to dignify this preposterous idea by taking the time to refute it.
As everyone knows (at least here in DeKalb) Spring occurs due to a curious chemical reaction which takes place in the digestive tracts of farm animals, and this also explains the pungent scent of what is normally refered to as a spring breeze. Thank you and good night.

Jeremy Miller
P.H.D. in Irrelevance

This was taken from a window at the hospital where my mom works. Two more of these went through town that day. And a week later they got 7 inches of snow. How's that for crazy "spring" weather! I'm just glad we got my sister and all the wedding guests out of town before these came whirling through. Thank goodness for near misses.

Spring Fever

Nothing like a little wine and chocolate with the girls, followed by a beautiful, bright-blue sky, sunny day to energize a body. I feel a little schizophrenic actually, but yesterday was quite fabulous. Still sick with a head full of snot...going on 11 days of that...but, I had so much energy yesterday. Literally, all week, I've been dragging - 10, 12 hours of sleep - no matter...I've been dragging. That's what being really sick is all about I guess...the body shuts down. And I still have a head full of snot - pretty picture isn't it? But I guess the combination of wine and nyquil knocked me out hard enough to actually energize me.

Or maybe it was the beautiful day. Not too hot, not too cold. Took the dog for a car ride. Vacuumed, dusted, rearranged...did some really deep cleaning - microwave - uck! what exploded in there??!! I even turned off the heat and opened some windows, burnt some incense, lit some smelly candles. Made dinner and ate it. I don't remember the last time I cooked a real meal in my kitchen and then enjoyed it...Thanksgiving maybe. Oh, but it felt good to reconnect with my house after being in bed all week. I think some people have to be active- have to touch things to feel connected. I must be that way. Makes me feel more at home if I'm the one that's taking care of it. And it was a wreck. Damn it was nice to put everything back in order. I even took a bubble bath - love bubbles.

So, I guess the pendulum swings both ways and of course it's helpful to observe that a great many things can affect the mood - I know there is a great deal still to figure out, but some good old-fashioned, get-your-hands-dirty work can lift the spirits even if it doesn't mend the soul entirely or fill that hole in the heart.

This Ache

And I have this constant ache in my soul, in my heart. I'm a genuinely happy person. I don't wear morose or depressed very well. And neither last long with me...but this ache won't leave. It overwhelms me when I least expect it and sometimes I can't shake it for days. Sometimes it even brings me to tears. How do I release this ache, this sorrow that envelops me? How do I move on?

Crawling in this Skin

Despite the fact that I am genuinely a happy person, underneath all I do is a sadness. I am sad because I gave him my love and he took it for granted. I forgot myself waiting for him to love me back. Slowly, I realized that I no longer recognized the person I saw in the mirror, so to save myself, I stopped waiting for him. It doesn't seem to matter that he no longer takes me for granted, the sadness still lingers. I am sad because I trusted him more than I trusted myself.

I turned to a very dear friend to remind me who I was. I gave him the pieces of my heart to watch over, to protect while I found a way to be whole again. He did all that I asked and perhaps more. I never dreamed a piece of my heart would choose not to leave his hands. That now, I will always have a hole in my heart shaped like him. I am sad because I trusted myself and I was wrong.

The skin I am wearing is not mine. It is vaguely familiar, but uncomfortable and unwelcome. I will crawl around inside it until I find my own again, until I recognize myself in the mirror once more, until the sadness releases me.

Ode to my sister

My beautiful, fabulous little sister is getting married in 3 days. I wish her and my new brother much happiness and love and bliss.

We started off at odds - eight years apart. She was not the instant companion I thought she'd be and as she grew older, I outgrew the need for a constant companion. She became my shadow - not always welcome - and I seemed to wear a constant armor of frustration with her. Where I fought tooth and nail for many privileges, it seemed she effortlessly won our parents over much earlier in life. And of course, having had my parents undivided attention for almost nine years, she was not always appreciated by me.

Eventually she stopped trying for my acceptance and did everything she could to be the opposite of me in every way. When I went off to college, I saw her through clearer eyes and embraced having a sister - we grew closer, but only in distance. In truth, I was an only child whose life was overturned by a late arrival...she was in my shadow and later became an only child where she blossomed and grew. She is beautiful and smart and funny. Every day, I wish we lived closer.

It has only been in the last few years that we have become friends and only recently that I realize I could have been a much better older sister - it seemed to me that she never needed me and that I was in constant competition with her - for you see, although older, I was the frailer of the two, in a family that valured toughness, stamina and heartiness. So, by accident, I forgot that I was older - in fact - and spent the better part of our childhood trying to remind everyone of that fact.

Now, I realize that she may have needed me more than I ever knew and that I may have let her down. Maybe one day she will forgive me. In the meantime, I am looking forward to telling her how proud I am to have her as a sister and how proud I am of her when I give my maid of honor speech this weekend. She'll roll her eyes at me because it will probably make me cry - but since I AM the frailer sister, I guess that's okay.

The Nature of Conflict

Conflict is an interference pattern of energies and a primary motivator for change. This I understand fundamentally, but for practical purposes am losing patience. I am daily conflicted about my relationship - how I feel, where it is going, what I should be doing or not doing...I battle time conflict daily - to most frustrating ends...my need for money (to get out of debt) conflicts with my inate desire to just enjoy life - and not take it all so seriously. I think perhaps all this is pointing me toward some great change or crossover - but it is draining while in flux.

Even now, the smallest things, like not taking today off work - because it is the last class period before Spring Break - conflicts with my need to get all the things done that I need to take care of before leaving to go home for my sister's wedding: packing up and dropping off the dogs, packing myself, cleaning out the trunk of my car, garbage, and on and on and on. Instead I am spending 12 hours of my day driving to and from class and teaching 3 classes. Really this is not a crisis - it will all get done - to some degree of stress and frustration, but I can't help think how nice it would be to have a little more cushion when it comes to time.

Then I wonder if it's all necessary - the conflict I mean - like, do I live in a constant state of conflict because that is how I thrive? Or is it simply a consequence of my life and work and low income? This brings me back to the idea that change is on the horizon...something's gotta give...but what will it be?

Embracing the beast

So it took nearly two weeks of phone calls, worry and waiting - but my laptop has been fixed and returned to me safe and sound! Ahhh, the sweet relief! It's a sad commentary really - how dependant I have become on my laptop. But in my defense, I have committed to submersing myself in a technologically friendly world. I have embraced the beast so to speak. To that vein, I have begun to eliminate the paper trail, purge my files, and streamline my daily life. No more little scraps of paper...receipts, etc. It is all on my laptop now...or much of it anyway. Only, the kicker is that I had not realized how completely I had given over to this - until I could not access it all. (Yes I back everything up). But to use the backup, you still have to have access to a working computer. Nor had I realized how changed my habits of communication have become. I have friends that I almost exclusively talk to only via IM or email. And we prefer it that way. So to be without the ability to communicate with many of my friends, or to access my addresses, email, lists, teaching files, etc - was really quite painful. And now I have a backlog of stuff I saved, waiting for the day I could input it onto my harddrive. Aack!

Of course, in the grand scheme of things, it was not life or death. And two weeks is relatively short in the timeline of life. I have it back now, and I am up and running with it all again. Blessed be and hello friends - my baby's back!