Exhaustion

So, I have been crazy tired lately. For a little over a month. Part of it is due to (pardon me gentlemen) that time of the month. That whole week before it's like I am trudging through sludge and my mind is all groggy. But it's more than that. It's the utter fatigue that I have been feeling. Not just in my body, but in my eyes - they actually hurt to be open sometimes. I'm pretty sure it's that I am not getting good sleep or enough of it. Due I'm sure to a general lack of rhythm and routine - which I have once again lost. It's as if I simply can't keep up with everything and things just pile up and I dig myself out a little and then more piles on. There is no consistent rhythm. I do feel better today than I have in weeks. I slept almost 10 hours Sunday night and then went back to sleep for a couple more hours Monday late morning. And last night I took some Nyquil and slept well with dreams even.

I think I really just need to be knocked out like that for a couple more nights. The doc gave me some sleeping pill samples - going to use them the rest of this week and see if I can get back on the horse. It's so odd to be in this state of mind - in this body that can't function. I don't really recognize myself some days - I'm cranky and crabby and emotional, all those things linked to PMS which I have never had. And I really do not handle any sort of change well anymore. I was always so calm, so zen, so eye of the storm kind of person and now I feel like I am just another leaf being swept away by the wind, never able to land or stay for very long in one spot. And where I used to be able to take on so much - more and more and more was no problem. Now I feel like I am overwhelmed by everything. It's very unfamiliar to me and unsettling. I've never liked the kind of person I have become - the dramatic, tragic, overwhelmed, distracted person that can't handle anything. I've never been drawn to that kind of person. I used to roll my eyes at that sort of person. Now I roll my eyes at myself. Mostly because I know the real me is in here somewhere and all I need is a good night's sleep.

That's another thing I don't recognize. I have always been able to sleep - anywhere, anytime. Car, desk, couch, wherever. Noon nap, dinnertime nap, all night, all morning....no more. I can barely fall asleep at night and I am awake far to early every morning and I never nap anymore. Is it that I am too busy? Am I feeling self-conscious - like I am too old for naps? Am I just so stressed about everything that I can't relax? Wondering wondering when and where I lost my grip....