Disconnect

So, up until May, I had been working roughly 65-70 hours a week to pay off mountainous debt and cuz I really like both my jobs and didn't want to give up either. But sometime in March I hit what can only be described as true burnout and decided to not teach this summer, so that I could have 3 days off a week, go down to 40 hours of work, and try and rest and rejuvenate.

Except, I don't seem to be rebounding as I hoped I would. I am still grossly out of shape, vaguely mentally tired, buried under mountainous debt and well, still experiencing some burnout. Being a figure it out and fix it kind of chic, I've decided it's time to REALLY focus on me and so, on Friday, for the first time since May, I went to the gym and then I went again last night and then I went again tonight. Finally, for the first time in a long time, I am motivated - for real. And, it's time for me to take stock of my ridiculous amount of stuff (music, movies, clothes, books, tchotchka, etc.) and purge. Also, I need to take control of my expenditures...seriously.

Cuz, the truth is, I have been feeling for some time like I'm just wandering or like I am in limbo - no direction, no goals, no forward movement. I am stagnant. This is cause for borderline depression for me. And I'm not very good at waiting - impatient is an understatement. So why has it taken me so long to get motivated given that I am so impatient and all?

Maybe it's the current economic/political state of things; maybe it's my recurrent financial troubles; maybe it's the state of my marriage; maybe I just need to get laid; maybe it's what burnout really is...I've been fatigued and exhausted, bored, fuzzy, zombie-ish, unfocused and uninterested in just about everything. Restless.....And I have this odd sense of waiting...

I'm waiting for inspiration.
I'm waiting for something interesting.
I'm waiting for some sense of rhythm.
I'm waiting for meaning.
I'm waiting to feel.


Waiting is not something I do well. But I can't seem to come up with anything better and so the disconnect between what is and what was and what should be.