Lost

I admit that I finally understand what being burnt out is. I am lost - what day is it? Theoretically, I believe the calendar that says it is Sunday. But I have no practical knowledge of this. I have no life rhythm...that vibe, that hum, that routine or ritual that makes up our days - each day a little the same, each day a little different. I can't remember if I washed my face this morning. I witnessed first hand people celebrating Memorial Day today...flags out, drinks consumed, games of horseshoe and crochet. I had no concept of it. I was listless, lethargic, merely an observer.

Perhaps it is the crushing heat that has descended prematurely - summer is still a month away I think. Perhaps it is utter burn out - too much work, too much taking on the stress and responsibility of every single thing, too much succumbing to the weight and burden of the life I have chosen not yet to leave. Or perhaps, I am just very very tired. I know that fatigue is my enemy. It changes my reaction and my perception to almost everything. Sleep is so often the grand fix to any poor mood I find myself in...yet, it eludes me.

I am in the middle of several days off work. I had grand plans for achieving a great many things in these 7 days, not the least of which was to establish a routine or observe a rhythm of some kind that I could wrap a routine around. Instead, I am thwarted by heat, lack of sleep and new financial difficulties. (I think I may have eaten a bad karma egg.) I feel the days slipping past me - wasted, nothing accomplished, no burdens eased, no rest acquired.

But, I refuse to give in. I have 3 days left...an infinity in which to accomplish many things. Not the least of which might just be a plan - a plan for rediscovering my rhythm, myself - perhaps, I find myself lost because I no longer know what I want. How can i know which direction to take if I don't know who I am or what I want? I have a recollection of a person I was...if only I could remember how to find her...Perhaps it is not fatigue, but boredom or dissatisfaction...perhaps it is a gentle mix of all of these things. Whatever the cause, I am hoping I can sieze upon a course of action - some direction in which to focus - even if it is wrong, at least I will be moving forward again. At least I will not feel as if I am aimlessly wandering, vaguely participating in this life, raw and frightened beneath a thin armor of numbness...at least I will have a purpose.