Green Issue

Yesterday, in the sweltering heat, I found that I could not muster the energy to do anything but sit on my deck and read. So, I sat, under the umbrella because is was so hot (for anyone who knows what a lizard I am, then you know that for me to sit under the umbrella and not in the sun means it was damn fucking hot.) Anyway, opted to read last month's Vanity Fair - the green issue with Al Gore and George Clooney and Julia Roberts on the cover, one of the Kennedy's too.

It was an amazing read. Sad too...all I will say, because it is late and I do not have the energy to soapbox, is that I CANNOT wait for this idiot to be out of office. I can only hope that someone with an ounce of sense and and eye to the future of our planet, not just our big business will be elected.

A friend posted about the movie about the United flight. And alluded to questioning the purpose of his life. I commented that I think a lot of people have been going through that since 9/11. Today, a thought occurred to me that 9/11 was the catalyst for the kind of self-examination in a broad range of people, but I think the current climate of frustration with our government and it's utter disregard for, well for everything, has a great many of us questioning the world we live in. And since so few of us can actually exact change on a global or national level, we turn to our own lives and wonder what we could do to feel less helpless. Or pointless....these are of course my descriptives, but I wonder, if I am not alone in my questioning. I remind myself that political climates ebb and flow...but that doesn't make it any less frustrating to witness.

Fortunately, as I read this issue, several of the articles pointed out that there are many people who are exacting change despite the President's idiocy. And that many countries, states, cities are taking action on their own accord. This is heartening. It demonstrates that the nation is waking up to it's error and also to the facts of global warming.

One of the things that frustrates me personally is that I do not have the wealth to do all that I want to do. I cannot afford to build a home that is wind and solar powered. I cannot afford to buy a new car although I would like a hybrid very much. I cannot afford to replace all the wood floor in my home with bamboo...but, I keep these things in the back of my head...my plan for the future. And in the meantime, I recycle, I plant trees, and I stay educated. Every little bit helps right?

Lost

I admit that I finally understand what being burnt out is. I am lost - what day is it? Theoretically, I believe the calendar that says it is Sunday. But I have no practical knowledge of this. I have no life rhythm...that vibe, that hum, that routine or ritual that makes up our days - each day a little the same, each day a little different. I can't remember if I washed my face this morning. I witnessed first hand people celebrating Memorial Day today...flags out, drinks consumed, games of horseshoe and crochet. I had no concept of it. I was listless, lethargic, merely an observer.

Perhaps it is the crushing heat that has descended prematurely - summer is still a month away I think. Perhaps it is utter burn out - too much work, too much taking on the stress and responsibility of every single thing, too much succumbing to the weight and burden of the life I have chosen not yet to leave. Or perhaps, I am just very very tired. I know that fatigue is my enemy. It changes my reaction and my perception to almost everything. Sleep is so often the grand fix to any poor mood I find myself in...yet, it eludes me.

I am in the middle of several days off work. I had grand plans for achieving a great many things in these 7 days, not the least of which was to establish a routine or observe a rhythm of some kind that I could wrap a routine around. Instead, I am thwarted by heat, lack of sleep and new financial difficulties. (I think I may have eaten a bad karma egg.) I feel the days slipping past me - wasted, nothing accomplished, no burdens eased, no rest acquired.

But, I refuse to give in. I have 3 days left...an infinity in which to accomplish many things. Not the least of which might just be a plan - a plan for rediscovering my rhythm, myself - perhaps, I find myself lost because I no longer know what I want. How can i know which direction to take if I don't know who I am or what I want? I have a recollection of a person I was...if only I could remember how to find her...Perhaps it is not fatigue, but boredom or dissatisfaction...perhaps it is a gentle mix of all of these things. Whatever the cause, I am hoping I can sieze upon a course of action - some direction in which to focus - even if it is wrong, at least I will be moving forward again. At least I will not feel as if I am aimlessly wandering, vaguely participating in this life, raw and frightened beneath a thin armor of numbness...at least I will have a purpose.

Ode to ma petit Leila

Hmmm, sweet girl. You were all around me and through me this weekend. Everytime I sipped my tea or paused to feel the breeze, you wandered into my thoughts. Not so much missing you (although, of course I do) as channeling you so to speak. I spent a great deal of time on the deck yesterday and today...going through stacks of old magazines for pictures and textures and colors...recycling and purging. I grilled out and I ate cheese - cheese always makes me think of you. Whenever I am relaxed and content and in my very own time-space, I think of you.

Your beautiful smile and your vivacious attitude and your brisk-never-sauntering-walk. How you are one of those people that energized everyone in the room just by talking. Your unflappably bohemian chic taste in clothes and shoes. Everytime I take a bath I think of you in your little apartment (which you don't live in anymore). But more, I feel your energy myself. I remember all the great fun we've had and the places we've been - The Heartland which was once Garett's but will now forever represent either your arrival or departure; the beach at Ligia and Mike's with or without a dog in tow; the Annex sipping martinis, Mr. Crum's skipping class; Suite Sixteen making martinis and emptying mine and Kimber's closet for something to wear; Halloween and Wednesday Addams; mermaids; sunburns; and the no-nonsense way you clarify the problem and then systematically solve it.

I have come to realize that although I can be very solitary...and enjoy being with myself, a defining part of my make-up is my relationship with my friends. You have never let me down and this weekend, for the first time in a very long time, with you to guide and lift me up, I remembered a bit of myself. The person I was when we met reached for the surface in the last 48 hours. So, I thank you for all that you've been and all that you continue to be. Don't forget to buy batteries or drink a martini in the afternoon. Big hugs and many kisses across the big pond. Missing you....

Catching Up With My Posse

Seems like I've been out of circulation for awhile, but suddenly, everybody is finding me. Or the other way around.

Taryn - Miss Fallon Lee is the bomb, so small, only 5lbs..but so cute and so much hair. Congrats Momma!

KC - pregnant and moving to Spokane. I'm sad that you aren't coming back here, but there isn't anything here for you anymore...and I get it. I just miss you a ton. And am sad that I will miss out on your pregnancy, and your baby...it's hard that you are so far away - keep in touch chica.

Jen is engaged. Dee was just diagnosed with breast cancer. My thoughts, and hugs are with them.

I just helped Melissa move into her new house. It's so big, lots of windows...quite a bit further west. It's funny how I seem to be always driving west.

Miss Leila has been without internet - not that I've even had time to log on lately. I miss IMing with her - shout out sista! I'm almost done with the circle letter...missing you, hoping your romanticized trip down memory lane is over, fingers crossed that you found what you've been missing lately.

Brenda is pregnant too. Due in January I think...

Got the save the date from Jon and Monee - finally. Need to get some plane tickets soon.

Drug Nathan out for cocktails and Nels' band at the Elbow - too much fun, like the old days. 'Course he'd been partying like a rock star all weekend with whipped cream, lap dances, midgets and shotfest at Coyoty Ugly - yes, there is really a bar by that name.

Lisa and Pete be moving to Colorado soon. The 'ol Annex just won't be the same. Say hey to Colorado Dave!

Kimber - send me golf pics with the celebrities! Watched If Lucy Fell Again - and the Friends episode about Ross and Joey napping together - made me miss Steak-N-Shake and late night movies in your big ol' bed - falling asleep half way through and waking up to go to the pool so we could sleep on the lounge chairs all day...hugs sista!

Finally Carbonfour finally released their long awaited second album - check them out on myspace.com or carbonfourmusic.com - St. Pat's Day release party was great, encore at the Elbow was stellar - tell Rich I said hello!

Shout out to everybody - been overwhelmed for awhile, but I'm back from oblivion now - catch you all soon.

The grass in my backyard is knee-high

No joke, it's knee-high and the dogs won't walk through it. So much rain, no time to mow...it's kind of comical really...

Yesterday was the last day of classes for me. I've been ready for the end for a month - finally, grades recorded, freedom at last...I am sort of nostalgic as I may not return to teach in the Fall. But I am getting ahead of myself..for now, enjoy a short, 45 hour week and get some rest.

I got a raise - a considerable raise, relatively speaking, but not nearly what I'd like to be making. I guess we all sacrifice something - I am choosing to stay in a job I like with people I like despite the low pay. Quality over quantity I suppose. Money may not buy happiness, but it sure helps relieve the stress.

The dryer is broken - for a month or so now. The laundry is piled everywhere. It's rather comical. I've been too busy to be annoyed by it and now it's just funny. I can roll off the bed and not hit the floor - not kidding the pile is that high. Tuesday the dryer man came...spent about 30 seconds (okay, 45 seconds) turning on the dryer and turning it off again. Proclaimed something broken, said they don't carry that part (of course not, why would it be simple) and so now I wait another week to have it fixed. This Tuesday I will be the laundry diva! It is a sad commentary on life, but I am actually lookin forward to doing laundry all day - re-establishing order to my home, my closet, etc. So blase...but, nonetheless, I will feel so good when it is done.

NICJ has been rather amazing lately - clear thinking, problem solving, eye on the ball, helpful, supportive kind of behaviour. It's like night and day - still rather surreal to me, but I am enjoying this behaviour, astonished in the knowledge of what I went through. Funny, I knew I was dealing with/putting up with a lot, but I didn't realize how much I was taking/sacrificing until I was treated well again. So much is still so hard, but simultaneously so much better/easier than even a year ago. I'm not entirely sure how I handled it all - how I got through it - how I survived. There are some days when I am just simply in awe of the journey I have travelled in the last three years. And wondering how much longer I can sustain my dissatisfaction. I have come to realize though that so much of myself was lost. So, my mission for the coming months is to rediscover myself, my strength, and move on.

Finally, NICJ is painting again. Like a fiend. He's just finishing up two big commissions. 8'x6' panels with heavy metal frames. I'd forgotten what it's like to be steeped in art - to smell the mineral spirits and the oil paint - to watch the work emerge and evolve - to critique and analyze. I do this with my students, but they are so naive still. His work is amazing. It's nice to see him creating again. It had been over a year since he painted for real. Slowly, I am remembering - it comes in fits and flashes...he hangs the piece for the client tomorrow. Finally, focus is returning...

I'm sure I've forgotten tons of things: Kevin's departure; Joe's promotion; Susann/B. drama; choking; Easter at the Herrington; the mudbath; the neighbor's fence and new pup, Bogey; plumber payment drama; Melissa's birthday; etc. Life has been full, life has been a lot lately - life has been piling up. I'll be glad to shake it off and relax for awile.