Never underestimate the Power of Make-Up

Before make-up, after make-up....A picture says a thousand words!

Holiday Eating Tips

Holiday Eating Tips:

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Enjoy the holidays, everyone.

Karma?

I am a ridiculously optimistic person - not in the sunny, morning energy kind of way - more in the genuinely good mood, water off a duck's back kind of way. But I have to start to question what's going on in my life - in a bigger cosmic sense - when the steady stream of crap continues to trickle down on me. It has been a year worthy of breaking even the most optimistic of souls, but I really believed that I had made it over the hump so to speak and that I might be actually heading towards greener pastures. So why I ask you is it my karmic fate to be without hot water for Christmas? What do you mean - you might be asking...didn't you just replace your hot water heater in May? ...Why yes, I did...so what the fuck! (I KNOW...in the grander scheme of the world, a little hot water is a luxury to so many...and my home was not washed away by a hurricane, and I am not starving, and I don't live in a refrigerator box under an expressway, and I didn't watch my family get washed out to sea by a tsunami, and I haven't lost anyone to Bush's folly) ... but, this is a brand new hot water heater, freshly installed less than a year ago. And this week is the only time off I've had since May. And I spent my last vacation days dealing with a flooded basement and the replacement of aforementioned water heater. So why am I doomed to spend my next couple of days dealing with it all again? Is there nothing in our modern 21st century world that works like it is supposed to? Must everything break? I swear my entire house is made up of REALLY old, well-built stuff that has finally after years of service decided to give out, or REALLY new, craptacular stuff that doesn't work longer than a second and a half. Either way, I am screwed...so again, I must ask..what karmic corner did I turn to get this backlash of crap? I hold the door for old people and moms with stollers; I smile at crying babies and take shit from grumpy customers; I donate clothes and put money in firemen's boots at stoplights; I work long hours and make no money; I have graciously (if cautiously) stuck with my alcoholic husband until he quit and am giving him the benefit of the doubt that he has changed and is making things right. So why can't I catch a break...why can't everything hold together until I can save a little money, have a little cushion...oh yeah, and I have a cold - sneezing (I hate sneezing), coughing, scratchy throat, stuffy head, achy kind of cold...

The flip side of this (in my optimistic way, I must look at all angles)...because I have three days in a row free, I can take care of this problem and not miss work. (And I am home in my jammies with hot tea and good drugs, not at work snotting on people). I do have a home and heat and food and although my relationship is far from perfect or even great, at least I am not dealing with the raging alcoholic that I used to live with. There is a calm about me now that I did not have six months ago...a calm that I feel I have earned, but that is maybe just maybe a karmic way of balancing the odds...

So I know I will prevail (as only an optimist such as myself can know)...but I must confess, I long for something a little easier, a little less dramatic, a little less in need of karmic balance...

Canada Settles In

So I'm walking by big ol' Lab this morning for the first time in months...opted for a long walk through the snow instead of the gym...and we get to the park...Island Park is situated between the main branch of the river and a tributary...anyway, settled on the river are hundreds (literally) of Canadian Geese. We definitely have a community of geese that sticks around all year. Which I thought was weird...don't they migrate or something...anyway...I got to see the goslings earlier this year...anyway, apparently, we are either the first restover, or the last stop on the southern migration for this community of geese.

Anyway, it was pretty cool - hundreds of geese settled on the half frozen river - making that honking noise they make back and forth. I love my town - it's one of those small little communities that invites big chains, but keeps them on the outskirts and really nurtures the independents. So the downtown area and the streets up and down the river are unique and quaint. I had forgotten how nice it is to walk that route. Through the park along the river, across the big bridge...saw a Grey Herron too....up the street along the other side of the river, lined with hundred year old houses...so cool...

Difficult, difficult, difficult day!

I don't know what forces conspire to make a day like today. I knew almost from the moment I got up that it was going to be a difficult day. I barely had my eyes open before the dog was whining at me and nudging me and tripping me. Didn't even get a moment to wake up and process a plan for the day and she was invading my mind, my space. Stumbling over her all morning made me late for the gym which made my workout shorter....and I swear it was one thing after another all day.

For instance, twice a week I drive 70 miles one way to teach at a community college. When I left (late) at 12:30 to drive out, the weather was fine. Half way there, it started to snow. Normally I love the snow, but I could tell this wasn't going to be just a few flurries. No it had winter storm written all over it. So I call the college to see if they have cancelled evening classes yet. (That's how this works, sometime after the storm starts, they decide if the weather is too bad and then they close the school.) I was hoping to avoid driving all the way there only to turn around and drive all the way back (it's an hour and a half in good weather.) But NO! Why would they make that decision early? Why would they make my day anything but more fucking difficult.

In addition to this weather dilemna, my liscense expired Monday on my birthday. But there are no driver's liscense facilities within 20 miles of where I live, and I've put in three 12 hour days in a row..so I just haven't gotten around to it. However, on the way to school, there is a facility. I decide that since I am already late and the weather is a good excuse, AND there are no other cars in the parking lot (which means no line and no wait), I will run in there quick and renew.

Oh, but it's the difficult day...and nothing is quick, easy or without wait. First the overly chipper pink lady behind the counter informs me that she just has to shoot this email off to her boss and then she'll be right with me. The other lady behind the counter apparently isn't capable of helping me. So I wait. The she tells me that I have to take the written test to renew - okay, this makes me nervous, because I haven't done any studying up on obscure rules of the road and really don't need to fail the freakin written test. Plus, this was supposed to be quick....but I take it and I pass with 100% correct - phew! Now I have to take the eye test...I almost fail because my hair gets in the way...then I have to sign my name like five hundred times. At least she warned me when she was going to take the picture so I could smile - despite the difficult day. The last time I went there, the pre-pubescent brat behind the counter took the picture before I had even sat down...looked like a mugshot. And finally, the wait for the machine to spit out my new liscence. By the time I got back out to my car it was covered in snow and I had to scrap it all off.

All my students actually showed up for class, but half of them did not bring their work...so I am crabby at them. It's cold, my stomach is grumbling...Class gets over at 4pm and the next one isn't until 5pm...don't want to go out in the snow for food...so I am contemplating being really insensitive and ordering pizza so some poor delivery driver can go out in the snow instead of me when the lady comes over the announcement system to tell us that all classes after 4pm are cancelled. Great...not two minutes later, she comes back on to tell us that the building will close at 4pm...it's like 6 minutes til.

I teach a painting class. You can't clean up in 6 minutes and I don't want to rush out to my car in the snow with 5000 students and faculty to sit in the inevitable traffice jamb that the announcement just created. So I tell my students I'll stay for a bit...finish up, blah, blah. Then some nazi, butch, nasty lady comes around and yells that we have to get out of the building- she's locking the room. Okay, I'm the fucking instructor - not a student and don't talk to me like that - I'm already having a difficult day!

So we clear out, and I drive 2 and a half hours home....yes, it takes an hour longer because people are fucking retarded when it comes to driving in the snow. AAAAARRRGGGGHHHH!!! I just want to go home! Be home! I just want the difficult day to end.

But no, whatever wild, needy hair was up my dog's ass this morning is still there because she whines and follows me around the house from the second I walk in until my husband gets home. Thank god she has someone else to fixate on. Bless his heart, he took her out in the snow and I can breathe for two seconds. Of course, because it's a difficult day, he's in an incomprrehensibly good mood which means he's loud and goofy and silly and obnoxious and invasive and I think I'm gonna be claustrophobic for awhile....oh, yeah...and the phone has run like four times in a row....LEAVE ME ALONE!

I hate crabby days...crabby days become difficult days...nothing goes right, nothing goes smoothly and all that happens is that I get more and more irritated and more and more crabby. I need some alone space - soon,,,,

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!

The air was filled with snow today. Flurries really - no actual accumulation. I love snow. I love how it crunches under my feet. I love how it sparkles in the sunlight (especially when it's just cold enough for it not to melt even on a sunny day.) I love when it's wet snow and it clings to everything. Truthfully, I am a summer kind of gal - love the sun, LOVE the heat, spend a lot of time swimming or gardening, etc. But I guess, if it's got to be this freaking cold, then we might as well have something truly beautiful to show for it. And snow reminds me of Christmas-which I truly love. I had a Norman Rockwell childhood when it came to Christmas, so I don't have any of those family hangups, or neuroses about being in a relationship...I just love Christmas. So it snowed last week and again on Sunday. Which made my birthday all white and sparkly. I think this December may just be pretty good afterall.