Melancholy Baby

Hmmm, up to this point, my source of melancholy has been the boy, his behavior and my issues with all that. However, he seems to have made a complete turn around and is now thriving. He is in fact functioning as a cooperative, supportive, forward thinking, future aware partner. I would even call him loving. Things really are going along quite nicely.

So why am I so melancholy? I spent Friday reading all day. Saturday I played hooky and instead of getting things done around the house, I watched television all day. Sunday, I read in bed all day. Not at all productive and definitively it was not entirely pleasurable. I was nagged by feelings of guilt for not "getting stuff done." In particular the bills - which I appear to be avoiding. It's exhausting really to have more bills than money coming in - to not be able to even live in a middle class sort of way. Certainly, I do not have a bad life. I was not born in Dharfur or Iran or Iraq. I am not diseased or dying. I am not starving. I have a roof over my head. But I swear there are times when I feel like I am just sinking. Am I making this up because I am a drama junkie? (That does not really seem like my style - but, perhaps...) Or, am I in denial of avoidance of an unpleasant task?

Is it guilt over procrastination? Or guilt over the ridiculous amount of stuff I have, don't use, but can't muster the energy or motivation to sort through and give away...why is it so much easier to bring something new in than it is to get rid of something old or unused? Is parting really such sweet sorrow???

Or, perhaps it is that my schedule is all wonky because I have finally gotten used to the boy's post-holiday schedule and now, rather unannounced, his schedule has changed. In order to continue to spend the time together that we have become accustomed to in the last three months, I have to change my schedule. Except, my schedule is much harder to rearrange in terms of putting in the hours and accommodating both jobs and oh, yes, fulfilling the need for sleep. Thus, I think I am not getting the sleep I need to do the job and therefore experiencing this melancholy. It rather sucks not being able to do all that I want to do because I am too tired to do it. Not enjoying this. What to do?