Things I Can Appreciate

NICJ continues to surprise me (and frustrate me, but that is for another post) - these are the things that surprise me and make me smile:

When I get home each day, if he is already home, he comes out to the car and meets me, and carries my bag inside.
When he's been home all day, he can't wait to tell me all the stuff he's gotten done around the house - like fixing the mower and finishing the backyard.
Mowing, something I used to do, or I used to have to beg him to help me with is now something he is obsessed with keeping neat and presentable. It's an odd adjustment for me that I am still surprised by, but that I enjoy.
When he sleeps properly - he's happy, helpful, and productive. (Probably we can say that about almost anyone, but it's a Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde kind of thing with him.)
When he's being productive, he finds all sorts of little projects that surprise me and make me think "oh, yeah, this is what it's like to have a helpful mate."
If I am 30-45 minutes late, he calls just to check on me. Not mean and cranky, just hope you aren't in a ditch kind of check on me.
He takes care of the dogs - every day, more than once a day, without me asking or reminding him. I kind of consider them his pets now.

When I am having a bad day, or am really tired, he seems to instinctively know this and he is even more helpful and nice. Going out of his way to make the evening easier for me.

It may seem like these things are small - and in truth, they are, but in the daily assessment I make of our life and where I am going and what I am doing, I have to give credit - I have to acknowledge good deeds. Doesn't make me blind to the rest, but makes me feel like a more open and generous person - rather than the jaded, cranky, bitter, mean person I sometimes feel I've become. So maybe it's not about his behaviour all the time, but how I perceive it and that I do that with an open mind.

Filling the Space

What do you do when the ache is tangible? When you thought you'd beaten it - moved past it? How do you get around the hollow echo in your gut? What do you do when you find yourself wanting - and not knowing? Not knowing yourself, or how to get what you want....How do you fill the space-the hole left in your heart? How do you ignore the throbbing ache from that hole, that empty space when you can't fill it? How do you silence the giddiness that threatens to overwhelm the distance you've established? How do you find your bearings, your direction, when the past tantalizes and the future blurs? How do you fill the space?

Summer Showers

I LOVE the smell of rain on hot pavement. It's dark finally and the fucking 100 degree heat has been pushed aside by one helluva thunderstorm complete with straight arrow lightning right to the ground. It's exciting and I miss this kind of dramatic weather. I should type fast and shut - down. It would suck to fry my laptop. But I'm really digging this display by mother nature and we needed the rain so badly. I love the sound of the storm moving in through the trees and the sound of big drops hitting the panes. I am going to sleep like a baby - for the first time in ages. Looking forward to that.

Must go comfort my pups - they aren't quite as enamored as I am.