Seperation Conundrum

I am existing in a strange in-between. Before I got married, I was extremely independent. Easily alone and self-sufficient to the extreme. I had many close friends, but no problem spending a great deal of time alone. After I met my husband, I discovered the joy of sharing everything with someone and of knowing that there was always someone there, even when they weren't physically present. Now we are seperating and spend very little time together, not necessarily by choice, but perhaps by design. What is most difficult now for me (at least tonight) is that he is here, but he is not here. I have come to depend on him, but know that I can not depend on him. It wears me out, forgetting that he is simply not here. I tell myself that I should stop thinking of myself as part of a pair, that I should rearrange my thoughts and remember that I am now alone. That I need to factor this into my daily routine. Except, I am not able to completely commit to this idea because we are not yet completely separate. So he is at times available to me and at others not available. And I am left drifting in-between. What's perhaps even harder is that I no longer remember how I ever managed the fierce independence that I once knew. I became spoiled knowing that I had someone to share both the joys and the hardships with. Now, I don't know what to do with that sharing instinct. It is too strong to direct at even close friends - suddenly for the first time in my life I am needy, clinging. So I endeavor to remember myself or find a nice combination of the old and the new. Happily independent, but perhaps not quite so fierce.

It's been a while - work, vacation, blah, blah, blah - but more importantly, I have discovered Instant Messaging. I think this is second only to caller ID in the great inventions category. Love this IM! In a world that becomes more and more disconnected by technology, I am often reassured (if only in the most cynical way) that technology can actually find ways to bring us together. And I do like the randomness of the instant message. The conversation is not like talking - you don't have to wait for the person to finish their thought before beginning your reply - so ideas sprout like wildflowers and suddenly you and your friend are following two even three threads of conversation. It's very expanding - and invigorating. And you can walk away without "hanging up on someone" - so it becomes liberating. To not be tied to the conversation. I imagine there are people out there who can talk to several friends at once - just jumping in and out of windows of conversation rapid fire - like being in a pub or coffer house, but without the smoke and alcohol. And without having to get dressed or take a shower. I may become a recluse. I could stay in bed with my laptop forever. Of course I would die from the staleness of being constantly indoors. But it's tempting sometimes to hybernate. Even more so when you know you can keep your friends with you. Maybe just for today...then of course, it's back to the grind. Even there, I can reach out and message someone. Comforting actually. Ahhh, someone is knocking.

sugar and spice and puppy dog tails

So, got a story for ya and it goes something like this:

Friday I put the doggies out on their chains like i have every morning for the last two years. 15 minutes later I switch Sophia (black puppy) with Savannah (momma dog)...putting Savannah on the chain and bringing Sophia up on the deck to romp around. I go inside and stand at the kitchen sink to eat my breakfast of grapefruit and watch them out the window. I notice, cuz I'm so observant at 8:30 in the morning that there is blood on the deck...crap, the dogs are in heat...who has time for this? By the way, I have my district annual community relations conference on this same day which is why I am up at the ass crack of dawn....but I digress. So I watch a little longer and I realize that Sophia is licking the tip of her tail....curious....so I call her to the back door to investigate and realize that she is bleeding from the tip of her tail. (Whew - not in heat!) But also, not good - a dog's tail bleeds like a human skull - profusely or like we say on the farm, like a stuck pig. So I call the vet...what do I do with a bleeding tail, is there anything...it's a dog afterall. Well, we'd like to have you bring her in just in case she needs stitches - we have an opening at 10:30. (Let me just remind everyone about the important meeting I have - it's at noon an hour away...) So I tell them I'll call them back. I'm starting to not like my day....After much discussion with my half-awake husband, and a couple of conversations with friends, my fabulous friend Melissa agrees to pick up Sophia when they are done with her so I can drop her off and go to my meeting....Crisis averted.....or crisis #1 averted.....

Next, I go out to bring the other dogs in, so I can isolate Sophia and wrap her tail somehow so I can get her to the vet without re-coloring my upholtery red....This of course is a complete fiasco - and the wagging/bleeding tail strikes with glee - I am now spattered with blood. Yes of course I was already dressed for my meeting....why would you think that I wouldn't be??? And for those of you who think I am calm in a crisis, let's just say, typhoon Kimberly struck that morning with fury and frustration. I went on a rather hysterical slamming, stomping, cussing spree....Margee, Kimber, Teresa, this you have seen, the rest of you, picture if you will - lasers out of my eyes frying the dog where she stood, while my piercing shrieks from truck driver heaven blew out the eardrums of my comatose/sleeping husband....not pretty. I figure if I am in crisis, I might as well drag everyone else in with me...

After much yelling and cussing, I stain-sticked the pants - buy stock ladies that stuff is from heaven and works miracles (but you do have to put it on each little spatter of blood, all 5000 of them)....and cj crawled out of bed to help me duct tape a towel around my puppy's tail. (Picture a dishrag, wrapped around something the size of a fat marker then wrapped 900 times with silver duct tape.) I was actually quite proud of my handiwork. She made it safely to the vet and I did not kill anyone on the way. Crisis #2 managed....

However, it wasn't just a scrape, but instead, the entire tip of her tail had been torn off to the bone. (If you are squeamish, I apologize. However, I grew up with a veterinarian father and a nurse mother. Dinner table conversation was often quite descriptive and not for the weak of stomach.) Back to the diagnosis: There was not enough skin to close over the wound or the bone tip sticking out, so they had to amputate her tail to the first little joint and then close it up. This kept her overnight, so I did in fact make it to the meeting on time. Crisis #3 averted.....

She now gets to wear a variety of brightly colored bandages from smiley face yellow to hot pink to lime green on her tail. It's rather cute actually. In the meantime, I am trying to figure out how to wash the crime scene off my back deck...any suggestions?